The number of times someone or something washed my hands clean, stood me back up, and gave me another try is unmeasurable. Throughout my life, I’ve experienced death, drug addiction, anxiety, abandonment, disassociation, and pure fear. Some days are filled with 5 to 7 panic attacks. Others are quiet, however, a moment of “calm” from complete mental and physical exhaustion seems unbearable, almost more dangerous than a day of anxiety. 2020 has been a catalyst for me. Igniting everything I’ve been shoving under the bed and breathing life into a debilitatingly unpredictable fire. The biggest question every time I step outside my front door is, “will I make it back home alive today?”

The only thing I can do is write and talk through it. When I close my eyes at night I hear the voice yell to me “wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up boy”

“this is war”